Feelings: A user guide

Feelings: A user guide

*So, what is a feeling, anyway?*	I think a feeling is a response to life, to something happening either inside me or outside of me. A feeling isn't something I create, or even intend. I don't think to myself, "I'm going to feel angry now." I just feel angry, in response to something. I may not even want to feel that way. A feeling is like a force of nature; it's there for a good reason. And it can also tell me something useful. I also think that a feeling is a survival mechanism, a reaction that has helped humans survive, and that most likely has helped me to survive in my own life. I think that what I'm feeling at any given moment is a product of all that I am -- of all the experiences I've ever had. At any given moment, the all-that-I-am is "choosing" (unconsciously) to react with a particular feeling. At another moment, or in different circumstances, I might "choose" to react in another way.
*But if I'm "choosing" to feel a certain way, am I always responsible for what I'm feeling?*	We commonly say that something made me feel something. "Oh, he made me so mad." "That song really made me cry." I agree that a feeling often happens in response to something. And I've also seen different people responding to the same event with very different feelings, which leads me to believe that it isn't a simple cause-and-effect sort of thing. I think that when I use the words "made me feel," I deprive myself of something very important: my ownership of what I'm feeling. When it comes to my feelings, I own 100% of the stock, I am President, CEO and Chairman of the Board. My feelings are completely mine, and no one can ever take them away from me. That doesn't always seem like a treat, of course. Sometimes my feelings look like a 500-pound gorilla blocking the road. But at least it's my gorilla. The real gift in owning my feelings is that I can change them. If someone else were responsible, I'd be at their mercy.
*I often feel as if I shouldn't be feeling the way I am.*	I think we often get the message that we're feeling the wrong thing; someone says, "You have no right to feel that way," or "Why don't you cheer up?" I think a feeling can't be incorrect, it's just not possible.
*So how many hundred feelings are there?*	I think there are really four primary feelings -- joy, anger, sadness, and fear -- and the others are either different words for these four (like grief for sadness, anxiety for fear, and so on), or they're combinations. Sort of like primary colors, with blue and red combining to make purple. For example, I think excitement is a mixture of fear and joy, with fear providing the "thrill" and joy providing the positive feeling of anticipation.
*What about shame, isn't that a feeling?*	Some people count shame as a fifth primary feeling. I think of shame as a form of fear, though I agree it has some characteristics different from other kinds of fear. I like John Bradshaw's definition of shame as "fear of exposure," that is, fear of people finding out what you're like inside, for fear they'll see something bad and not love you any more. (For more about John Bradshaw's important book, Healing the Shame that Binds You, see Books and CDs We Recommend at the Shadow Work Seminars site.) Notice that fear has a judgment attached. (And let me add that by "judgment" I don't mean a condemnation, but simply an opinion or belief or discernment.) In the case of shame, the judgment is that a person could be bad inside. Jungian psychology is based on the premise that people can't be bad on the inside; see Jung in a nutshell.
*What do you mean by "bad"?*	There are thousands of words I could substitute here for "bad" -- stupid, ugly, lazy, pathetic, weak, arrogant, ugly, etc. I don't believe that anybody is any of those things. In fact, I believe that if there's a part of you that says, "I'm so lazy," there's a 0% probability that you are lazy, and a 100% probability that you are a hard worker. I'm currently working on a book that explains all this — watch this site for updates!
*But what if I've hurt someone? Shouldn't I feel bad about that?*	People often talk about guilt and shame as if they're twins, but I think they're different. Again, I like John Bradshaw's definitions here: guilt is feeling bad about something you've done, and shame is feeling bad about something you are. Believing you are bad is thinking there's a label across your forehead with one of those "bad" words on it (stupid, lazy, etc.). I agree that guilt is sometimes appropriate, such as when you've hurt someone. The great thing about guilt is that it can prompt you to apologize and make restitution, and your relationship with the person you hurt can be stronger afterward, the way broken pieces of metal that have been welded together are stronger than they were before they broke. Apologizing is also the best fertilizer I know for growing your integrity. That's guilt, though, not shame. I think that there's never a reason to feel shame. (For more on that, see Jung in a nutshell.)
*What kind of feeling is "hurt"?*	We sometimes say, "I feel hurt," or "I feel rejected." I think there's a distinction here that's useful, between judgments and feelings. (And let me repeat what I said about "judgment," that it means opinion or discernment.) I think that words like "hurt," "rejected," "victimized," are not actually feelings but judgments masquerading as feelings. The difference between them is that a feeling is something happening inside me, while a judgment involves what someone else is doing and in a subtle way, points a finger at them. When I say, "I feel sad," I'm describing sadness inside me. When I say, "I feel hurt," I think I'm really saying that someone has hurt me. When I say, "I feel rejected," I'm saying someone has rejected me. In my experience, a word that sounds like a feeling and ends in "-ed" is usually a judgment.
*More about feelings*	More about fear. More about anger. More about sadness. More about joy.